The way events fall in life is baffling.
I’m coming to terms with the timing of things. The timing of things and the fairness of things and how neither one really matter at the end of the day because God’s grace is sufficient.
Since losing my job in June, my life has been a series of jagged pieces refusing to take shape. I don’t mean that in a dramatic way, just an honest one. When life gets going and you get caught up in everything, self reflection is so easy not to do. Then when a big part of your life just stops, just flat out brick walls you, you kind of have to look around and take stock. How else do you get over the wall? So that is what I have been doing. I have been taking stock (and many deep, deep yoga breaths) instead of posting on here.
A lot of life has happened in the past four months. As my mom says: “Life is just one cracked ship after another.” and I’ve been avoiding posting because of my cracked ships. Messy life stuff is not something that I’ve ever been good at sharing even on an individual level, so putting it out there for friends and strangers alike never struck me as a good idea. I’ve decided that is stupid. Everyone has junk. It is part of the journey. Ignoring mine is ignoring part of what makes my human experience unique, deep, and powerful. So no more ignoring. I’m entering into a full acknowledgement phase.
In September I went home for the first time since my move and it was a reality check. Even after eight months the same old baggage was still there just waiting for me. Everything was the same, everything was different, but it reminded me that even home isn’t perfect. Going home to the Midwest made it okay to finally call LA my home, too. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in both places now.
I gave up on some old friendships, and that hurt. There are times where it comes clear that you are no longer helping, but just hurting, and you have to move on at least for a season. I’m a lot of things, but a quitter is not one of them, so throwing in the towel was rough. Some days I just have to be okay with not being okay with it.
My car got towed, twice, in as many weeks. Once my fault, once not. Life is a master class in patience and provision.
My brother came to visit marking the first family member to come to my side of the map. It was a confidence booster. I feel like I know nothing about where I live on a daily basis. It seems like every conversation I have with a native reveals one more place I haven’t been or one more street I don’t know. It is endless and frustrating. Having my bro in town reminded me that I do know a few things and I am not helpless (even if we got lost once or twice). Also: beer and a rock show. It was a successful visit all around.
I’ve come a long way. I have a long way to go. I’m not sure exactly how this whole life thing works and I never will but that will not stop moving forward, moving upward. That won’t stop me from loving and living and creating the joy I want to see in the world. That won’t stop me.
Tonight, though, I am just here. And I’m just okay with it. And that is all I need.